Well, that's pretty much where we've been at for the past 3 months since we arrived in South Africa. We had a fairly clear idea of why we came: We had plans to staff some of the various Counseling Schools that are run here at the YWAM base. We had a vision to "equip the nations" and disciple young people through their personal journeys as they went through these schools.
It looks as though - at least for now - God had other ideas.
Our experience here so far has been very different from how we imagined it would be. (Apparently God is God, and we are not.) Don't get me wrong - the YWAM base here is an amazing place filled with dedicated and Godly people, and we have nothing but respect and admiration for all that happens on the base. Okay, so perhaps we had not expected to spend our first 3 months here working in Transport, although we are happy to help in that area for now. But that's not what this post is about.
I will spare you the boring details, but practically speaking a couple of the things that we've been dealing with are:
1) Because of the way the YWAM School calendar has unfolded, we would not be eligible to staff any of the Schools until 2017 (although we could take a couple as students), and
2) The kids' school is very different from anticipated.
After grappling with these and other issues over the past couple of months, plus feeling confused, out of our comfort zones, homesick for friends and family, vulnerable, and completely stripped of all our defense mechanisms and our illusions of control, we are both coming to the conclusion that the reason God has us here - at least for this present season - has much less to do with what we can do and how we can serve and the difference that we can make, and much more to do with what He wants to do in our hearts during this time.
In other words, God actually has us right where He wants us.
A key verse for me during this time has been Deuteronomy 8:2: "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart..."
This feels like a desert. I am definitely feeling both humbled and tested. And I don't much like the look of what's in my heart.
God is especially challenging me in the following areas:
- trust
- surrender of control
- surrendering my kids to Him. (Do I really trust God with my children, their welfare, their education? Apparently not.)
- living with tension
- taking my thoughts captive
- living in the present
- patience
- choosing joy and contentment in the midst of it all.
So, this has been a not particularly easy season, but it's definitely a GOOD one. We know that God has some things He wants to teach us, so we are doing our best to "show up to class" by engaging with Him and allowing Him to do what He wants to do in us.
I am also immensely thankful. Thankful that God loves me enough to want to challenge me and change me. Thankful for this opportunity I am given to allow Him to do that. Thankful for the adventure of living and working here in South Africa. And especially thankful that even though this is a tough season for Kevin and me, the children are for the most part happy and doing really well.
We're not sure what next year will look like for us, although it is likely that Kevin and I will continue in this time of training by taking the Couples and Families Counseling School from January to April. We know that God currently has us in a time of preparation for whatever might lie ahead. But rather than try to figure out the future, we know that we need to be fully present in the here and now, no matter how messy it seems.
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