When it doesn't all just make sense - Rachel

If you've read any of our previous entries, you know that our transition to Worcester has not been easy.  The things we had thought we'd do here have not worked out the way we had thought.  We all feel differently about being here than we thought we would.  We've been struggling to figure out God's purpose for our family here in South Africa.  Again, disclaimer:  We love YWAM Worcester.  Great base, great leadership, great people.  We have no issues with them at all.  For us, this is more about figuring out where we fit in, and lacking a long-term vision here - beyond working in Transport, that is.  :D

I like things to fit together nicely and make sense.  OK, I can live with uncertainty and mess for a while.  But then, after an arbitrary amount of time, I stomp my metaphorical foot, thinking that I have the right to be able to look at the circumstances of my life and say, "oh - that's what God's been doing!  He did A because of B, in order to bring us to C."  And I feel smugly justified in the decisions that I had made in the process, because in the end it was all clearly part of God's plan.  How satisfying.  (And to be fair, there have been many times in my life when I've been able to do that, even though it may have taken a little longer than I would have preferred for the bigger picture to be revealed.)

But what about when it doesn't all just make sense?  

Do I struggle to fit all the pieces together in my mind, desperately trying to arrange them into some semblance of order - partly to appease my desire for everything to inter-connect, and also so that I can present it to our supporters and prayer partners in a tidy package?  (Er yes, apparently that's exactly what I do.  Giving myself stomach ulcers in the process.)

OR, do I wait... and trust... even if I never seem to get to the point where the answers are evident and everything "fits"?

It all really comes down to whose job I'm doing.  

For example:
Analysing the various reasons that we came here in the first place?  
-Not my job.
Wracking my brain to think of different ministries we could get involved with?  
-Not my job either.
Feeling guilty and responsible for the kids' occasional homesickness and not-quite-perfect circumstances?
-Nope.
Putting a plan together that will tie up all the messiness into something that makes sense to me and helps me feel better about myself?
-No.

The fact is, God is sovereign, and doesn't have to explain what He is doing.   He is the Potter, and not only did he create us but He also reserves the right to use us - or not use us - however He wants.

Humbling though it is, I do not have the answers.  But I know who does.  

So my job is to focus on today, doing the job at hand to the best of my ability.  And then to trust, wait, relax, and leave all of the outcomes up to Him.


P.S. Kevin had his dental procedure done last week.  It all went smoothly and he'll have the sutures removed next week.  Only one tooth was possible in the end, which cut the bill in half.  :D  The other good news is that it appears that enough funds are on their way to cover it!  Thank you!