When it doesn't all just make sense - Rachel

If you've read any of our previous entries, you know that our transition to Worcester has not been easy.  The things we had thought we'd do here have not worked out the way we had thought.  We all feel differently about being here than we thought we would.  We've been struggling to figure out God's purpose for our family here in South Africa.  Again, disclaimer:  We love YWAM Worcester.  Great base, great leadership, great people.  We have no issues with them at all.  For us, this is more about figuring out where we fit in, and lacking a long-term vision here - beyond working in Transport, that is.  :D

I like things to fit together nicely and make sense.  OK, I can live with uncertainty and mess for a while.  But then, after an arbitrary amount of time, I stomp my metaphorical foot, thinking that I have the right to be able to look at the circumstances of my life and say, "oh - that's what God's been doing!  He did A because of B, in order to bring us to C."  And I feel smugly justified in the decisions that I had made in the process, because in the end it was all clearly part of God's plan.  How satisfying.  (And to be fair, there have been many times in my life when I've been able to do that, even though it may have taken a little longer than I would have preferred for the bigger picture to be revealed.)

But what about when it doesn't all just make sense?  

Do I struggle to fit all the pieces together in my mind, desperately trying to arrange them into some semblance of order - partly to appease my desire for everything to inter-connect, and also so that I can present it to our supporters and prayer partners in a tidy package?  (Er yes, apparently that's exactly what I do.  Giving myself stomach ulcers in the process.)

OR, do I wait... and trust... even if I never seem to get to the point where the answers are evident and everything "fits"?

It all really comes down to whose job I'm doing.  

For example:
Analysing the various reasons that we came here in the first place?  
-Not my job.
Wracking my brain to think of different ministries we could get involved with?  
-Not my job either.
Feeling guilty and responsible for the kids' occasional homesickness and not-quite-perfect circumstances?
-Nope.
Putting a plan together that will tie up all the messiness into something that makes sense to me and helps me feel better about myself?
-No.

The fact is, God is sovereign, and doesn't have to explain what He is doing.   He is the Potter, and not only did he create us but He also reserves the right to use us - or not use us - however He wants.

Humbling though it is, I do not have the answers.  But I know who does.  

So my job is to focus on today, doing the job at hand to the best of my ability.  And then to trust, wait, relax, and leave all of the outcomes up to Him.


P.S. Kevin had his dental procedure done last week.  It all went smoothly and he'll have the sutures removed next week.  Only one tooth was possible in the end, which cut the bill in half.  :D  The other good news is that it appears that enough funds are on their way to cover it!  Thank you! 

The Ocean Desert - Kevin

Once Rachel and I realized we were in a desert season (see previous post), my first response was, "How did I get here?  Did I make a mistake?  How do I get out of here?"  My desert has a lot of water, too much.  Before we left home, I felt like I was standing on the banks of a large river called "Faith".  I knew this river was going to South Africa, but that's all I knew for sure.  So I waded in deeper and deeper until the next step disconnected me from the shore and into the fullness of the current.  I had followed God into the river before, always a bit nerve-wracking, but I've learned to trust him.  

This time the river carried me out into the ocean and before I knew it, I had lost sight of land.  At first I thought I could  save myself with my wisdom and strength, but I didn't even know which way to swim.  But God was there in the midst of this ocean-desert in the form of a life raft that would provide safety, shelter, and everything I would need to survive.  

But at first I did not want to get in.  I held on to the side with one hand and I held on to my rubber ducky in the other.  My rubber ducky signified everything I relied on instead of God - My pride, strength, wisdom, my comforts: good things and bad.  What kind of fool would hold onto a rubber ducky when there was  a life raft right there?!  I love my ducky, he is my "Wilson"!  

But he cannot save me.

It seems like God uses difficult times to wake us up to the reality of how much we need him and and how we are designed for deep dependence on our Shepherd-King.  But this does not come naturally or easily; we must make the choice ourselves.  In Proverbs chapter 3 it talks about how God disciplines those he loves (He even led Jesus into the desert).  Discipline sounds like a negative thing but it is not.  "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12)  

A sermon from Rick Ezell says this:  "Discipline means training.  It is meant to draw us away from what will cause us harm and then lead us into the likeness of Jesus.  Discipline is needed to align our will to God's will."  

God is using this desert season to discipline me, just like a coach using discipline and training to make his players the best they can be.

"The job of a coach is to make players do what they don't want to in order to achieve what they have always wanted to be." -Tom Landry, Hall of Fame coach of the Dallas Cowboys (and a follower of Jesus).  
Things have become a lot easier knowing that God has a purpose for this hardship.  The more I trust him, the more peace he gives me.  I'm not sure which is more amazing: that I believe in Jesus, or that Jesus believes in me.

In other news:

Financial help needed: Tooth Story

We all start out with 12 molars. My wisdom teeth were impacted so I was then down to 8.  Right before I joined Mercy Ships in 2000, #7 on my upper right side cracked.  It would need a root canal and then a cap costing $2,000 or $75 to pull it.  I was broke, so out it came.  #6 on the upper right side continued to serve me well even after it had cracked and had a root canal in Africa (on the ship) in 2009.  Last year on my birthday while trying to consume a Snickers Blizzard it cracked down to the roots and could not be saved.  With no molars left I cannot chew food on the right side of my mouth.  The bad news is that implants cost about $4,000 dollars in the U.S. Dental insurance typically does not pay for dental implants.  The very good news is that they only cost $1400 in South Africa using the same high quality components.  The other bad news is that we exhausted our savings account covering our transition costs to come here.  

So I'm asking if anyone can help.  I can put it on a credit card but the borrowing costs are high, and I've not carried credit card debt since 1997.  The bone scan showed I have 8mm of bone, 7mm is needed otherwise bone grafts are required (expensive and painful).

As we get older the bone mass decreases, so right now there is a window of opportunity.  I found a great dentist in Cape Town, I have the bone mass, but I need help with the cost.  The total cost for all the screws/posts, surgery and making the new teeth will be around $2,800 for the #6 and #7 molars. The surgery to place the posts is scheduled for Nov. 17th, so the bill will come due in December.
Information about given can be found at this link:

www.ellensburgwellspring.com/yangas-family/

Thank you for your prayers and support.

Kevin and Rachel